its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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