hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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