Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
My nipple is on Facebook.
I don't think brook has ever known best
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
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