a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
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