I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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