For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
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