Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
