I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
