So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
