i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Randomize
