Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
It was confusing and full of hummus
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
