Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
