if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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