My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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