i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
