R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
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