My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
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