laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
