Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
