Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
