Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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