super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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