I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
