if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Randomize
