Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
