My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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