I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Randomize
