Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Randomize
