i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
