she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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