so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
