i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
