I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Randomize
