Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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