Got a toothbrush?
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Randomize
