Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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