I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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