Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
