Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
