You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
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