i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
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