I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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