I just threw up on my dentist
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I need to wash the frat house off of me
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
