You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
