I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Randomize
