I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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