He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
It was confusing and full of hummus
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
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