My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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