Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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