if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
false alarm, still single
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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