i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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