im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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