This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
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